Closer, but no cigar

First and foremost, I believe that it is a moral imperative that if you have named your movie, and there is a song of the same title, it is only appropriate that the song should be played at some time during the course of the movie. I saw Simply Irresistible, and there was no Robert Palmer in that movie at all. Alas, Closer did not have the finer workings of Trent, but that’s not what pissed me off about this movie.

Jude Law was in just about every movie released in the past two years. He claims that this was because he had filmed several movies and their release dates all overlapped. I’m almost sick of his face, but because he doesn’t suck I’m okay with the fact that I have to see him everywhere. Julia Roberts, however, doesn’t do a whole lot lately, what with the baby factory, but even though I don’t see her often, seeing her at all kinda makes me feel icky. It might be her horse teeth. It might be her mediocre acting. Her presence in a film doesn’t help the movie’s luster, but that’s not what pissed me off about this movie.

The guy that played Arthur in King Arthur was in this movie. I didn’t see King Arthur, but now that I know the quality of this guy’s acting, I know that I made the right decision. He was often verbally violent and crude, and not in a lovable way. He made me feel dirty, which was likely the purpose of his character, however he clashed a bit much with the overall feel of the movie for me, but that’s not what pissed me off about this movie.

Natalie Portman, in all of her beauty, did an excellent job in this film. She went through an emotional roller coaster, and I went along for the ride with her. This, along with Garden State, are solid proof that Lucas had his thumb up his ass when he was directing her. One of the things I knew about this movie was that Natalie Portman played a stripper. Let me repeat that. Natalie Portman plays a stripper. She even has a few scenes where she is dancing. We even get to see her topless… from behind. Yes, she plays a stripper, and has several scenes dancing, and we get nary a boobie. This is why this movie pissed me off.

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the fact that she doesn’t bare all for the camera. But she was already topless, would it have hurt her to just turn around a little bit? I even think that it was much more erotic not seeing her fully nude. But if you are playing a stripper, and the other strippers in the club scenes are showing some tittie, then you better show some tittie.

As for an actual review, it was drama, and not just like the section at the video store. It was more like that kind of drama that you hear about on Jerry Springer, or back in high school. The only saving grace for me was Natalie Portman, and not just for the scenes where she’s wearing almost nothing.