I like leaving on a journey at this time.

I do NOT like being the one who awakes to facilitate the embarking on a journey, but then has to go back to bed, wake up – AGAIN – and go to work at 8:30 the next morning.

It especially rankles me to have to drive through the seedy parts of Los Angeles (with all the scary homeless people standing around and staring at you as you drive by) in order to accomplish this.

The final irritation is to wake up (the second time), sleepy as hell, knowing that somewhere, someone (not YOU!) is speeding down a freeway (even if it has to be by way of bus) on his way to parts unknown.

Sigh.

In true Schumacher form, the acting, plot, and various details that we loved from the original were lost in the glitz and glamour that only Schumacher can create. Batman is a perfect example. Burton made Gotham City dark, grungy, and generally gothic (Gotham was not just a clever name, after all). Schumacher made Gotham city look like a rave. The transition for PotO was just as bad, if not worse, as this isn’t just a Schumacher adaptation, but a Schumacher musical, as well.

I like musicals. I say this openly and freely. I sing along with Robert Preston without remorse. I love the music from PotO. While the movie had pieces from a fair number of the original songs, it wasn’t enough for me. In fact, because they were so segmented and lost in all the glitz, it only frustrated me that I couldn’t hear them in their entirety.

On a positive note, I will say that Christine wasn’t bad. Everyone else left room for improvement, but the singing didn’t altogether suck. Minnie Driver didn’t do her own singing, which was obvious, and appreciated.

I haven’t read the book, nor did I see the stage performances. I have heard the original cast recordings and highlights, which had been my only exposure to the story in any way, except that I saw Phantom which was a musical written at the same time, just not by Andrew Lloyd Weber. In all honesty, I prefered that stage performance to this Hollywood tripe.

If you liked the original production, or any of its media, don’t watch this movie. You would get better use from the DVD if you were to grind the disc down to a dust, pour the particles of grainy plastic in to your eyes, then rinse them with lemon juice.

*yes, netflixed is now a verb

Jude Law was in just about every movie released in the past two years. He claims that this was because he had filmed several movies and their release dates all overlapped. I’m almost sick of his face, but because he doesn’t suck I’m okay with the fact that I have to see him everywhere. Julia Roberts, however, doesn’t do a whole lot lately, what with the baby factory, but even though I don’t see her often, seeing her at all kinda makes me feel icky. It might be her horse teeth. It might be her mediocre acting. Her presence in a film doesn’t help the movie’s luster, but that’s not what pissed me off about this movie.

The guy that played Arthur in King Arthur was in this movie. I didn’t see King Arthur, but now that I know the quality of this guy’s acting, I know that I made the right decision. He was often verbally violent and crude, and not in a lovable way. He made me feel dirty, which was likely the purpose of his character, however he clashed a bit much with the overall feel of the movie for me, but that’s not what pissed me off about this movie.

Natalie Portman, in all of her beauty, did an excellent job in this film. She went through an emotional roller coaster, and I went along for the ride with her. This, along with Garden State, are solid proof that Lucas had his thumb up his ass when he was directing her. One of the things I knew about this movie was that Natalie Portman played a stripper. Let me repeat that. Natalie Portman plays a stripper. She even has a few scenes where she is dancing. We even get to see her topless… from behind. Yes, she plays a stripper, and has several scenes dancing, and we get nary a boobie. This is why this movie pissed me off.

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the fact that she doesn’t bare all for the camera. But she was already topless, would it have hurt her to just turn around a little bit? I even think that it was much more erotic not seeing her fully nude. But if you are playing a stripper, and the other strippers in the club scenes are showing some tittie, then you better show some tittie.

As for an actual review, it was drama, and not just like the section at the video store. It was more like that kind of drama that you hear about on Jerry Springer, or back in high school. The only saving grace for me was Natalie Portman, and not just for the scenes where she’s wearing almost nothing.

I made my way home last night all sleepy and satisfied. Not necessarily happy to go to work today, but excited to finally meet my dry bed. As I pulled up to my garage, I noticed that the padlock was not on the latch, and I thought to myself “are you a dumbass? Did you forget to put it on the last time you got the car out? Will you now have to buy a new one?” I wasn’t too worried, it was pouring and I just wanted to get into the aforementioned bed. So, I tucked my car away for the night, pulled the door down, tried to at least latch it shut and…noticed that, no, I had not forgotten to put the padlock on as I had once thought. Someone cut my damn lock off and broke into my damn garage.

This is not a quick fix of simply buying a new padlock. No, they cut through the piece of the latch that the padlock goes through too (ha, motherfucker, gave you a hard time of it, no?).

Boo to people like this. Why ruin a perfectly good end of weekend by breaking into my garage? Not that you can tell of course from the outside, but all you’d really gain from it is a load of camping equipment and a piano. Go break into your own garage, asshole.

Okay, I feel much better. Continue on with your business as normal.

I would like to think that if you plan on making a change in your life that you take it seriously. Granted, I do see the humor in saying you are going to resolve to (not) do something, knowing good and well that you have no intentions of maintaing that resolution. So, if you want to take your resolution seriously, make a plan.

Perhaps this false resolution isn’t such a bad thing. It’s like that first step from twelve step programs, which is to admit you have a problem. By making a resolution you admit to the problem, even if you’re joking about it.

Oh, to hell with it. Make your resolutions. Make the empty promises. Blah!! You know what I’m going to resolve to do on New Year’s Eve? Likely to never drink that much again. My resolutions happen every day.

As stated before, A New Hope was relatively unchanged. Greedo still shoots first, but the delay between his shot and Han’s was changed a bit. Han also moves out of the way of the shot a bit more smoothly. I still can’t help but be pissed at this. by changing it again he’s saying that he was wrong for changing it to begin with but didn’t want to admit it by going back to the original. The rest of the film went unchanged, which is to say that it was the Special Edition.

Empire Strikes Back was relatively unchanged. One sizable difference was the conversation between the Emperor and Darth where they put in Ian McDiarmid in to replace the old face/voice. The dialog was changed a bit, too. Apparently they had used some old voice track of James Earl Jones, which wouldn’t bother me one way or the other. The scene was decent enough, and the fact that they went for consistency was okay by me. I thought the previous voice for the Emperor was a bit weak, personally.

Then Return of the Jedi came around. The whole movie went off without a hitch, which is to say that is was the Special Edition version, until the very end. I’ve ranted about it before, but here it comes again. They replaced ghost Anakin at the end with Hayden Christensen. This is wrong on several levels. First, of course, is the whole “Art shouldn’t be changed but preserved” argument. That’s been beaten into the ground. Then there’s the fact that all of the negative feelings people have towards the prequels are now being transfered over to the original trilogy (the term “original” is used loosely here). My major beef is plot. I’m assuming that George somehow rationalized using young Anakin by saying that he was the “good” Anakin that had been restored. Another way of looking at it might be that this ghost’s apparent age is when he strayed from the path. Either way of explaining it shows total disregard for his redemption at the end. If he had been truly redeemed he would have remained at his current age.

I could go on, but I might throw something heavy.

Being an Eagle Scout, I have been educated (brainwashed?) in some of the areas of flag etiquette. When to fly at half mast, when to hang the flag upside-down, and how to hang the flag vertically rather than horizontally are all things I understand. I used to know a fair amount of the flag’s history, and have been present for flag burning ceremonies several times over the past 17 years. During these ceremonies the reverence to the flag and what it represents is upheld with true dignity and respect.

I don’t like what state our country is in, I don’t agree with the current administration, and at times I am somewhat ashamed of how other countries view America and Americans, but I believe in the spirit of what America was intended to be. To me the flag represents those ideals of America, not necessarily what everyone thinks and feels about America currently. I’m sure that when someone else looks at the flag they might automatically think of the word “America” first thing, then go on to all the negative feelings they have about America’s current situation, but for me it’s much more.

I believe it was my boy Dave (aka Dafe) who said “I was patriotic on 9/10.” I’m assuming of course that this person just recently bought these window flags for their SUV, but I think it’s a fairly safe assumption. So, in an attempt to fit in and be “Patriotic” they are not only demeaning the very essence of the flag and provoking, if not justifying, those feelings that other countries feel about us, but they are doing so while disrespecting the flag by flying it in the rain. Twice. On the same SUV.

It’s enough to make a girl scream. In fact, I think she did. A few times.

The thing is, it’s not like this day that the little girl was forced to sit in especially atrocious traffic was any different from any other day that she sat in traffic and made it in at least half an hour earlier.

Oh. Wait.

So, this little girl, she lives in Southern California and, being that Southern California is a desert, there are many long months where the sky is blue and the clouds hold back and the breeze is pleasant as all the little worker ants drive their cars along the freeways to work and school and play.

And then October 15th hits, and the news says that the rainy season has officially begun and then the next day it starts raining and doesn’t stop for the whole winter. And all the little people in their big SUVs forget what it is to drive in the rain and start freaking out and make a way bigger deal then they need to and create heinous traffic jams that make little girls half an hour late to work and ruin the whole day in the process.

It’s only rain for Christ’s sake. RAIN. Water. Count your blessings that you don’t live in a snowy climate, learn to drive, and quit gettin’ in the frickin’ way.

Oh, the conclusion to the story? The rage in this poor little girl’s head grew and grew to the point of bursting, and with one single scream directed to the heavens, she conducted all of her magical powers to incinerate all freeways (and the drivers on them) in a matter of seconds. She of course left herself intact, and with the new lack of traffic drove herself the rest of the way to work in a record time, with enough time leftover to stop for a bagel along the way, as she had forgotten to eat any breakfast that morning.

THE END

Sometimes it is something that is patently wrong, but through continued use is accepted by the populace in general. ‘Irregardless’ would be an example of that.

Sometimes it’s just plain silly, but people adopt the term anyway. For instance, ‘bling bling’ has no real meaning whatsoever, but here we are using it all the time to describe someone’s extravagances.

However, none of these really warrants a full on “Phil Rant”, except possibly irregardless. I want to reach into the television and smack all the damn news casters that keep saying it. But I digress…

Today’s rant is about the new term that has been floating around. I’ve heard it from 3 totally independent sources now, so I’m confident that it’s usage is on the rise. The term of which I speak is ‘butt hurt.’

One would use it as follows: “I was going to go over to my boyfriends house, but when I called he got all butt hurt, so I didn’t go.”

The reason that the phrase oh so chaps my hide is fairly simple. THERE’S ABOUT 50 NORMAL, SINGLE WORDS THAT CONVEY THE SAME DAMN MEANING! How many different ways could I have communicated the above sentiment? Well, let’s try a few:

“…but when I called, he became agitated…”
“…but when I called, he got mad at me…”
“…but when I called, he got angry…”
“…but when I called, he got his panties in a twist…”
“…but when I called, he like totally flipped out…”

Sure, some of them are more verbose, but they all pretty much tell the same story. And without the use of the word butt. Really, that’s what irks me the most. We’re not using profanity to get our point across (Fuck you, you fucking fucker), we’re not even using a word that embodies a bad thing (everyone has a butt, and that’s what most people call it.) We’ve returned to grade school to get our point across.

So, the next person that uses the term ‘butt hurt’ around me will be asked if they’ve had their nap and their juice box….and then I’m going to smack them with this ruler.